why didn't you poke me back
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
