You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize