my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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