I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
