Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
