Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
