the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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