i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
