Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
