There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
