So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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