Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's blow job season.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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