i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
