the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
