Whod you bang
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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