I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
