Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
