I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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