You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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