i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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