At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize