it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
