So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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