I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
