She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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