well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
