nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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