can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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