I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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