I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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