Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
