why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
