I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
