thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
