when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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