i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
