Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
