non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
