one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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