my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
