you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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