We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
