Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
