haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
