I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
