In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
