I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
