If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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