3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
