chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
