All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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