end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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