he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
