hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I currently don't understand fingers.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
