my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
