I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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