So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
