i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
