You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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