i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
