So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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